Walk by Faith

Since my scan on the 10th, my mind has been spinning.  I was so relieved to receive news that didn't lead to another surgery!  Since I do have some remaining tumor in my sinus cavity, it doesn't mean another surgery is not in my future, but at least until my next scan, May 20th, I can relax a bit.  Thus the trip to Boca, which was wonderful, I might add!
Anyway, One of the things that I have been doing since my last scan, aside from the few trips I have taken, is to really begin listening for what God has planned for me.  Maybe I will hear Him speak to me through a homily, or a friend, maybe a random stranger that I meet or maybe in a song. So, I was listening to a song the other day by Jeremy Camp called Walk by Faith.  Jeremy lost his wife four months after they were married to cancer.  He said that he just wanted God to tell him why.  He realized that in order to "walk by faith and not by sight" the question of "why" can't be answered.  If it was answered, then it isn't really having faith, is it?  That is the kind of faith that I want.  I don't know why my head has become the beloved home of meningioma tumors.  I don't know why mine were benign and some people aren't as fortunate.  But, I guess to be His follower, to be a true believer, I don't need to know why.  I just have to believe that my God has a reason and that He will reveal that reason to me on His time, not mine.  That is faith.
Even since this journey began on August 2nd, when the first tumor was found, I did ask why this happened, but I never doubted that there was a reason behind all of this.  I know my God well enough to know that whatever the outcome was, He had a mighty plan.  As I sit here today, I am just not sure what His plan is.  I feel like He has something big in store for me.  I feel like He will use me to make a difference somehow.  I want to take this experience and use to to inspire others or help others in their time of need.  I am ready to finally make sense out of all of this and have His plan revealed.
 
So I, like Samuel, am waiting.......waiting as His servant, ready and willing to do as He pleases.  My life is Yours, Lord.  Speak now, for Your servant is listening.

It's my tumor and I'll cry if I want to!!

Well.....I am finally able to update my blog.  I had surgery on January 3rd, to remove the "mysterious growth" that appeared after radiation.  It was a benign meningioma again, but much bigger than the last.  They removed my entire brow bone and the top of my eye socket.  They had to reconstruct it with titanium plates, mesh, bone cement and screws.  They couldn't get all of the tumor so there is some left in my nasal cavity.  We will have to play the wait and see game again with that, but another surgery may have to happen to remove that as well.  I am so thankful that this tumor was benign as well. 

I keep trying to focus on how lucky I am, but I must say, this recovery has been tough.  The 4 day stay in the hospital was awful and the pain was more than I could have ever imagined.  The first week, I was pretty strong, but the 2nd week hit me pretty hard.  I broke down quite a few times.  I mean, I know that I am lucky, but I also know that I am exhausted.  I have been on this journey since August and even now, since there is tumor left, this journey continues.  I think of Meg, who lost her battle with her brain tumor, and I am reminded that I still get to live.  I think of Peter, who lost his battle with pancreatic cancer, and I again realize that his family would do anything to have him still with them.  I know that.  I understand that.  But at the same time, this is my ordeal and I can't deny that it has been tough on me.  So, I will continue to get my strength from those who have had it tougher than me or haven't been as lucky as I have, but I still have to allow myself to deal with my situation as well.  In my weak moments, I will pray for the strength that I saw in Meg and Peter and the others that have been such great examples of strength for me.

So, I have cried, I have whined and I have had a few pity parties. But I thank God every day for two benign tumors.  I am a different person now, forever changed by this ordeal, but one that will continue to praise my God in this storm and remain strong no matter what lies ahead for me. 

"He has said to me, "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong."   II Corinthians 12:9-10

Surgery......again.

I wish I was posting better news.....but I guess that my journey still continues.  After having another MRI yesterday, we found that the "mysterious new growth" grew a small amount, but enough for them to recommend surgery.  They are still not sure what it is.  They feel it could be another meningioma, or a blood filled tumor called a hemangioma, or another tumor all together.  They are baffled.  I am really struggling with the unknown of all of this.  Because this has my doctors so confused, my cousin Jimmy made a few calls and we have an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic on Wednesday.  We really feel like a second opinion is a must.  After we visit them, we meet with my neurosurgeon from Allegheny General on Thursday.  If CC recommends surgery as well, then we will be scheduling it as soon as possible.  The surgery will be way more invasive and require a multiple day stay in ICU.  I find it hard to comprehend that another surgery is in my future, but maybe after this one, this entire ordeal might be over.  I am ready to put all of this behind me and having this surgery might be the first step.

I will continue to trust my God......for without my faith this situation would have broken me.  I also want to thank all of you for your support during this situation.  I am really lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.

I wish all of you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

"He will keep in perfect peace all those who trust in Him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord! Trust in the Lord always, for in the Lord is your everlasting strength."  Isaiah 26:3-4

Word I hate........anything ending in "gioma!"

I have been back to work this week and to be honest, it has been a great distraction.  My students have been so great.  They are praying for me everyday and I can tell that they are worried about their teacher.  That means so much to me.  Today, I got a phone call and I realized that I hadn't turned off my ringer.  As I was letting it ring and apologizing to my students, someone said, "You need to answer it.  It might be the doctor!"  Gotta love my kiddos!

As I checked my messages at the end of the day, the call was actually from Doug who had just spoken to my doctor, Dr. Happ.  Dr. Happ and neurosurgeon Dr. Aziz, have been consulting on my case.  They now feel  it could be a benign tumor called a hemangioma.  These tumors are rare when internal, but can occur after surgery and/or radiation.  (mostly they are found on the surface of the skin) They explained it to us as if it were a balloon filled with blood, but solid, not liquid.  They want to wait a few more weeks before getting another MRI and then they will compare this scan with my scan before Thanksgiving.  If there has been any change at all, I will have surgery.  The surgery will involve removing a portion of my skull in order to get to the tumor.  It is not categorized as a dangerous surgery, but a disfiguring one.  (somehow they thought that would make me feel better!!)  They want surgery to be a last resort.  If there has not been a change to the tumor, they will not do surgery and we will continue to monitor my symptoms and continue with frequent scans.

So, how do I feel after all of this???  I can't believe that not only did I have ONE tumor, but now I actually might have TWO tumors!!!  When I type this, I can't believe it is ME that I am talking about.  I have my weak moments and let me tell you......I cry.  But I also have my strong moments when I remember that I am a child of God and he knew me before I was even formed in my mother's womb.  I know He will take care of me.  He is my rock......my strength and I know He will be my salvation in all of this.

So, I will pray....and I will be like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  I will be on my knees and I will say, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

"He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved . In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength,refuge, is in God. and my refuge, is in God." 

Psalm 62:6-7

A Great Weekend

This Thanksgiving was an extra special one for many reasons.  First, we live close to my family now, so I was able to host.  I, of course, did not cook.  I ordered the entire meal from Bella Serra and it was delicious.  Secondly, Davis was home.  It was so great having him in the house.  We all miss him so much, but especially Zack.  He followed him around like a puppy dog.  It was precious.  I also got to spend Friday night with friends from Avella that I grew up with.  Even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, it was like we didn't miss a beat.  That is what true friends are all about and seeing them really did mean so much to me  Finally, it was time for me to be think about being thankful for everything that I have been through the past few months.  I really wanted to focus on the good that has come from this entire situation and when I really did stop to think about it....much good has come. Here is what I have learned in the past few months:

1.  I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
2.  My husband is my rock and can get me through anything.  Our love is deeper than I ever imagined.
3.  Having my mom, dad and sister so close is priceless.  I needed them and they were here. You just can't put a price on family.  I don't know what I would have done without them through this entire ordeal.
4.  My faith is solid.  Last year during a Bible study I said that my "storm" hadn't hit yet.  Well, this year...it did and my faith allowed me to praise Him in the storm!
5.  I have amazing friends.  My one friend, Laura, got up every morning with me during my 28 days of radiation just to suffer through it with me.  I got a text from her at 5:15am all 28 days.  That is true friendship.  Many other friends called, sent texts, e-mailed, posted on FB and prayed.  I am blessed with good people in my life..... old friends and new friends.  They make me a better person.

There is much more "good" that has come from this situation than bad.  I could write more....but it is almost game time and nothing gets in the way of me and my Steelers. :)

Our next step in this journey is getting a second opinion, hopefully from someone at Cleveland Clinic.  I will keep you all posted as soon as we hear something.  We could possibly hear something as early as Monday.

Until my next update, this is the scripture in my mind:

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."   Thessalonians 5:18 

  

I will continue to praise Him in this storm.

Love you all,

Kim

Time to think.....

I decided to just sit down and write today.  I am not a writer like my friends Ali and Hooter.....but I just feel that this might help me process my feelings.  So much is going on in my heart and in my head (no pun intended!) and everyone tells me that writing helps.....so here I go.

"And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you, He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, Do not fear nor be dismayed." Deut. 31:8

My friend Melissa posted this quote on my wall today.  I have thought about it all day.  I know God is with me and that I am not supposed to be afraid......but I am scared to death.  I....the religion teacher who teaches about being strong in the faith all day.....is feeling so weak.  I mean, the first round of this was scary....but I did it.  I was so proud of myself.  I did things that I never imagined that I could do...like lying on a table in a mask every day for 6 weeks.  When we thought the worst was over, we get hit with the latest news.  You know, as a Christian, we try to figure out God's plan.  We say.... "God must have a plan for this......everything happens for a reason."  We try to say that God won't give us more than we can handle.  I have said those words to other people as they were in their "storm."  Never did I understand how hard those words are to live by when the storm is your own.  At times I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I feel angry, then I feel afraid, scared, lonely, resentful...this is more than I can handle God.....don't you know that?

Then, I think about some of the strongest people that I know that have suffered or are suffering now.....Peter, Ryan, Rosemarie, Jessica, Julia, Meg.........and I am reminded that we all have own own crosses to carry.  This is my cross.  I have watched other people carry their cross....and now it is my turn.  I carry this cross with all of those people in my mind and in my heart and I know they are helping me carry it too.

"And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you, He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, Do not fear nor be dismayed." Deut. 31:8

I know, Lord.  You are with me.  You will not leave me.  You carried your cross.  Now it is my turn.

 

 

Another Update

Ok.....so this morning I felt a bit better after my appointment.  Now, after the doctor's call, it looks like it could be the tumor growing again.  Here is the e-mail that Doug sent out.  He says it all so much better than me.

I love you all...keep praying.

Kim

I wanted to let you know that we THINK we got the better of the bad scenarios this morning.  Kim has developed what is probably a “vascular malformation” that has developed between her skull and the dura lining of the brain.  They think that during her surgery they may have created a gap in her brow bone that allowed what is essentially a sack of blood to penetrate through the gap and begin to grow from the front of her skull backwards.  Right now it is only about 2 inches long, but since it was not there before surgery they are concerned.  She does not have any symptoms and there is a chance that it will not grow any more at all.  She would have to have quarterly and then semi-annual scans to make sure.  If there is a the slightest hint of growth she would have to have another surgery, this time by a neurosurgeon to remove whatever it is.

There is a chance that it could be a rapid acceleration of her existing meningioma tumor.  Her surgeon called about an hour ago after consulting with the neurosurgeon. This doctor indicated that it would be rare that this very slow growing tumor would suddenly turn to a rapidly growing tumor when hit with radiation, but he has seen it and cannot rule it out. 

 

At this point the scan is on December 23rd to compare to last Friday’s and make a decision from there.  We should know more later today or tomorrow.  If anything changes I will let you know.

 

Thanks again for your prayers.