It's my tumor and I'll cry if I want to!!

Well.....I am finally able to update my blog.  I had surgery on January 3rd, to remove the "mysterious growth" that appeared after radiation.  It was a benign meningioma again, but much bigger than the last.  They removed my entire brow bone and the top of my eye socket.  They had to reconstruct it with titanium plates, mesh, bone cement and screws.  They couldn't get all of the tumor so there is some left in my nasal cavity.  We will have to play the wait and see game again with that, but another surgery may have to happen to remove that as well.  I am so thankful that this tumor was benign as well. 

I keep trying to focus on how lucky I am, but I must say, this recovery has been tough.  The 4 day stay in the hospital was awful and the pain was more than I could have ever imagined.  The first week, I was pretty strong, but the 2nd week hit me pretty hard.  I broke down quite a few times.  I mean, I know that I am lucky, but I also know that I am exhausted.  I have been on this journey since August and even now, since there is tumor left, this journey continues.  I think of Meg, who lost her battle with her brain tumor, and I am reminded that I still get to live.  I think of Peter, who lost his battle with pancreatic cancer, and I again realize that his family would do anything to have him still with them.  I know that.  I understand that.  But at the same time, this is my ordeal and I can't deny that it has been tough on me.  So, I will continue to get my strength from those who have had it tougher than me or haven't been as lucky as I have, but I still have to allow myself to deal with my situation as well.  In my weak moments, I will pray for the strength that I saw in Meg and Peter and the others that have been such great examples of strength for me.

So, I have cried, I have whined and I have had a few pity parties. But I thank God every day for two benign tumors.  I am a different person now, forever changed by this ordeal, but one that will continue to praise my God in this storm and remain strong no matter what lies ahead for me. 

"He has said to me, "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong."   II Corinthians 12:9-10