Monday, August 2nd, 2010 started out like any other normal day.  I had one focus only that morning and that was my dear friend Ali's wedding which was on Saturday in NC.  Doug and I were out shopping for wedding shoes and picking up my bridesmaid dress when we got the call from the eye doctor.He told us that Med Express set up an appointment for me. I tried to cancel, but they said that Med Express told them that if I didn't come in  I would end up in the hospital!  I have never been to an eye doctor before, but this appointment will remain in my mind forever.
     After the doctor examined me, he noticed that my right eye was protruding out quite a bit and that concerned him.  He ordered an immediate CT Scan.  I passed out.  I was in shock.  I remembering thinking that this had to be a joke and that Ashton Kutcher was going to walk in at any minute and tell me that I was being Punked!! I remember the look on the doctor's face and most especially on Doug's face.  We left to get the scan, but before we did, I had to call my family.  I remember sitting outside of the lab and talking to my mom and dad.  I was crying so hard.  I was telling them the news and all of us were speechless.  Everyone was telling me it would be ok and not to worry......but for the first time in my life, I was petrified.
     After the scan, we had to go home and wait for the call from the doctor.  That call came at 5:00pm.  I remember Doug talking to the doctor and I was just screaming to him, "Am I going to die?"  When he got off the phone, it was confirmed that I had a tumor behind my right eye and I needed surgery.  It was scheduled for Wednesday, August 4th.  I had to only wait two days to find out what this was, but those were the longest two days of my life.  I remember lying on the bed in complete shock.  I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach, I was on valium, yet nothing helped.  I looked at my kids and didn't know if I would see them grow up.  I thought about the house I was building and didn't know if I was ever going to live in it.  I looked at my husband......and I ached inside.  Doug and I had conversations in those two days that no couple should ever have to have.  We held each other closer, we kissed a little longer and we cried harder than we have ever cried in our lives.
     The surgery revealed a benign meningioma.  YES...no cancer.  But, only 70% of the tumor was removed.  I needed 6 weeks of radiation.  Cat Scans, MRI, Radiation....words that were not familiar to me became a part of my daily vocabulary.  Each day I woke up brought more worry and fear to me.  Yes, I was so grateful that this was not a cancerous tumor, but that didn't make the journey any less difficult.  I faced daily radiation...every morning at 6:45am, strapped down on a table with a mask on my face.  That was the scariest thing ever for someone as claustrophobic as me.  Doug was with me, by my side, every day.  So, was my Casting Crowns music....I had a CD that I played during treatment.....In Me, Praise You in the Storm, songs that will always have a different meaning to me now.  Finally, October 14th was my last treatment.  I did it!  I made it for 6 weeks.  I had one month to wait to see the results.
     The results came after an MRI....and the news was not good.  The tumor had grown about 3 times its original size.  This never happens with Meningiomas, so they were concerned that this was something else.  Another surgery, more worry, more fear, more questions, more tears.........I remember thinking that I wasn't strong enough for this and I just couldn't take much more.  This surgery was a craniotomy and major brain surgery.  They used words like disfiguring and no guarantees.  My surgery was scheduled for January 3rd, 2011.  I would not find out results though for at least 3-5 days. 
     The surgery was tough.  Not only on me, but on my family as well.  I was in ICU for 24 hours and then to a regular room for 3 more days.  I was in and out of it, but I knew that the results would be coming soon.  I couldn't think about anything else.  Every time I opened my eyes, I saw the people that I loved and wanted so bad to be strong for them, but I couldn't.  I just wanted to know......my future.....will I have one?  Finally the news came after being home from the hospital for 2 days......it was a benign meingioma too!  The future was going to be a part of my life.  I don't know what I did to deserve that outcome, but I will live each day for the rest of my life being thankful for it.
     My journey is not over.  They did not get all of the tumor and some still remains in my sinus cavity.  We will continue to watch it and get scans for the rest of my life.  As of May 20th, it didn't grow at all and my next scan is September 16th. Prayers are welcome!
I relied on many things to get me though this last year:
Doug- you were my rock.....I fell in love with you the day you walked into my classroom with Davis and I love you even more today.  I could have never done this without you.  I get to have a forever with you and I am so grateful.  We fall deeper in love every day and this situation has brought us closer together than ever. You gave me strength.  You were my strength. You continue to be my strength. I love you...without fail.
Mom, Dad and Kel- God knew I needed to be near my family so he sent us back to Pittsburgh for this.  I can't even begin to thank you for what you did for me and still continue to do.  There is nothing I have needed over the past year that you haven't been willing to do.  Your support, your love, your help.........thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I love you all so much.
My Friends and Family- (even my Facebook Family!) Your cards, flowers, posts, calls, texts.......they gave me such strength.  I knew that so many people were praying for me.  I not only knew it...I felt it.  You were the wind beneath my wings!  Thank you for standing by me and helping me get through this year.  I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

 My God- I struggled with my faith...I yelled, I cried, I doubted and I asked WHY?  But in the end, I realized that I will never know that answer.  That is why it is called faith.  I now have surrendered and I trust.  You have held my hand through all of this.  You have brought me peace when I prayed, people when I needed them and have allowed so much good to come out of this.  I can't imagine going though this situation without my faith.  I will spend the rest of my days being a witness to your great love and telling my story because in the end...it never was my story......it was yours.  You were telling a story of faith through me.  I will continue to tell it, Lord.....I promise.......and I will glorify you in all the days that I have left!



     So today, I ask that we all join together and take a moment to love those in your life that you need to love.  Hug them, kiss them, appreciate them and take the time to tell them what they mean to you.  We never know what tomorrow will bring, so do it today.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I love you all.
Kim

Living Lent!

"Lent is the time of our lives where we are most especially called to reflect on our own lives and ask ourselves, how much do we thirst for an intimate relationship with our loving Jesus who is just waiting for us to respond to His love? It is the time that we must deeply ponder how much do we thirst for a life that is life-giving to others?"

      A few weeks ago, my cousin Dana and her husband gave me a bracelet to wear that said "Just Keep Living."  J.K. Livin' is a company created by Matthew McConaughey in 1996 to encourage people to make a living with their life.  http://www.matthewmcconaughey.com/   The day that they gave me that bracelet something inside of me changed.  I realized that I hadn't been living since my first tumor was found on August 2nd.  I was paralyzed with fear, worry, anxiety and thoughts of negativity.  I was just living from scan to scan...waiting for more bad news.  That bracelet changed that.  It made me realize that I was going to live and even better than that.........live out loud!!

Since that day, the bracelet has never left my wrist and has been a part of all the decisions I have been making.  I have decided not to return to work this year.  I will go in once a week to teach Lenten lessons, but the rest of this year will be used so that I can LIVE !!  I have also joined my church's Pastoral Council and am participating in a weekly Lenten Bible Study.  I plan on attending daily Mass as often as I can and also hope to take an online class at the University of Dayton about the Sacraments.  I am currently leading a Lenten discussion group on Facebook too.  I feel so alive for the first time since August!  Why? Because I am not consumed with ME.  I am living for Him.  That became my focus again the minute my cousin Dana and her husband Brian gave me that bracelet.

What I really feel is amazing is that this all happened right before Lent.  The perfect time for me to LIVE...40 days to live and not to be consumed with my tumors!  (especially since my next scan isn't until May 20th!)  It is almost as God had this all planned.  The timing was perfect.  I can hear Him saying to me, "Just Keep Living, Kim.  I'm not done with you yet!"  

I want to have a faith that is life-giving to others.  So, today, I promise to JUST KEEP LIVING AND TO LIVE OUT LOUD!!!!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVLHTqdkwZ0

Walk by Faith

Since my scan on the 10th, my mind has been spinning.  I was so relieved to receive news that didn't lead to another surgery!  Since I do have some remaining tumor in my sinus cavity, it doesn't mean another surgery is not in my future, but at least until my next scan, May 20th, I can relax a bit.  Thus the trip to Boca, which was wonderful, I might add!
Anyway, One of the things that I have been doing since my last scan, aside from the few trips I have taken, is to really begin listening for what God has planned for me.  Maybe I will hear Him speak to me through a homily, or a friend, maybe a random stranger that I meet or maybe in a song. So, I was listening to a song the other day by Jeremy Camp called Walk by Faith.  Jeremy lost his wife four months after they were married to cancer.  He said that he just wanted God to tell him why.  He realized that in order to "walk by faith and not by sight" the question of "why" can't be answered.  If it was answered, then it isn't really having faith, is it?  That is the kind of faith that I want.  I don't know why my head has become the beloved home of meningioma tumors.  I don't know why mine were benign and some people aren't as fortunate.  But, I guess to be His follower, to be a true believer, I don't need to know why.  I just have to believe that my God has a reason and that He will reveal that reason to me on His time, not mine.  That is faith.
Even since this journey began on August 2nd, when the first tumor was found, I did ask why this happened, but I never doubted that there was a reason behind all of this.  I know my God well enough to know that whatever the outcome was, He had a mighty plan.  As I sit here today, I am just not sure what His plan is.  I feel like He has something big in store for me.  I feel like He will use me to make a difference somehow.  I want to take this experience and use to to inspire others or help others in their time of need.  I am ready to finally make sense out of all of this and have His plan revealed.
 
So I, like Samuel, am waiting.......waiting as His servant, ready and willing to do as He pleases.  My life is Yours, Lord.  Speak now, for Your servant is listening.

It's my tumor and I'll cry if I want to!!

Well.....I am finally able to update my blog.  I had surgery on January 3rd, to remove the "mysterious growth" that appeared after radiation.  It was a benign meningioma again, but much bigger than the last.  They removed my entire brow bone and the top of my eye socket.  They had to reconstruct it with titanium plates, mesh, bone cement and screws.  They couldn't get all of the tumor so there is some left in my nasal cavity.  We will have to play the wait and see game again with that, but another surgery may have to happen to remove that as well.  I am so thankful that this tumor was benign as well. 

I keep trying to focus on how lucky I am, but I must say, this recovery has been tough.  The 4 day stay in the hospital was awful and the pain was more than I could have ever imagined.  The first week, I was pretty strong, but the 2nd week hit me pretty hard.  I broke down quite a few times.  I mean, I know that I am lucky, but I also know that I am exhausted.  I have been on this journey since August and even now, since there is tumor left, this journey continues.  I think of Meg, who lost her battle with her brain tumor, and I am reminded that I still get to live.  I think of Peter, who lost his battle with pancreatic cancer, and I again realize that his family would do anything to have him still with them.  I know that.  I understand that.  But at the same time, this is my ordeal and I can't deny that it has been tough on me.  So, I will continue to get my strength from those who have had it tougher than me or haven't been as lucky as I have, but I still have to allow myself to deal with my situation as well.  In my weak moments, I will pray for the strength that I saw in Meg and Peter and the others that have been such great examples of strength for me.

So, I have cried, I have whined and I have had a few pity parties. But I thank God every day for two benign tumors.  I am a different person now, forever changed by this ordeal, but one that will continue to praise my God in this storm and remain strong no matter what lies ahead for me. 

"He has said to me, "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong."   II Corinthians 12:9-10