October 25th, 2012- Ben Isn't Growing!

     Friday, was a long day.  I have been having a lot of pain in my head, so I scheduled an MRI.  I wasn't supposed to have another one until December, but I  was in pain and I just couldn't wait.  I had been taking Ibuprofen every day and even had to get a new pillow because I couldn't lay on the right side of my head.  All signs were pointing to Ben, (that is what I call my tumor), growing.  You know, most people think that because my tumor was benign that I have no reason to worry.  Well, even though the word cancer was not involved, a Meningioma is a reoccurring tumor.  In fact, most re-growths happen within three years of the first removal.  My tumor was not fully removed so for me, it is not a matter of "if" the tumor will regrow...it is "when" will it regrow.  So every little pain, or sniffle or headache causes me to think that the tumor is growing back.  I also am a member of a group called "Meningioma Mommas" where people who have Meningiomas share their stories and we support each other through our journey.  The majority of those woman have all had reoccurrence and most of them suffer from severe side effects such as loss of motor skills, vision and speech.  As I read most of the stories, I realize how very lucky I am.  That being said, I also realize that this could change at any minute, so I was very prepared to hear that my tumor had started to grow.

     As I was in the MRI waiting room, for over an hour, I had the pleasure of meeting 2 men.  One young man was 20 and was battling Chron's Disease and the other was 56 and battling Pancreatic Cancer.  We filled our anxious hour of waiting by sharing our stories, the moment we found out about our diagnosis and the complications we have had since that day.  We had never met before, but we felt like we had known each other forever.  I realized at that moment, that these two men are the ones that I have the most in common with today.  Sometimes, it is so hard for me to get through a day with my pain and these two men understood that.  We shared a story.  We had something in common.  A struggle, constant worry, fear......all something we knew nothing about a short time ago.  When they told their story, I listened with compassion as they did when I told mine.  No one said, "Well, it was benign so you have nothing to worry about."  No one said, "Your MRI will be fine.  Don't worry."  We all know that there are no guarantees in life and to a fellow sufferer, you do not say such things.  They looked in my eyes and saw the same thing that I saw in theirs.  Pain.  Our lives had been changed.  Maybe we were all dealing with three separate issues, but the struggle bonded us together.  No one understands me better than someone who has been there too.  They were there....in that waiting room with me.......for a reason.  I think I was there for them for a reason too.   We promised to pray for each other as we left, knowing that we would probably never see each other again.

     I got my results that day.  My tumor has not grown and I do not have to go back for another year. (I'll never make it a year!  I worry too much!)  I left the hospital on a high......happy that another surgery is not a part of my present.  I also left wondering about my two new friends.  What were their results?  Did they leave with the same excitement that I did or was their news more terrifying?  I probably will never know.  But I will pray for them daily now, because they are a part of me.  They are the people that I walk by daily that have a story.  The people in the grocery store, the people at the mall....people walking around daily that have all had their lives changed.  I will keep my eyes open to people like my two new friends.  After all, it is in our eyes.  You can see the pain.  All you have to do is look for it.  It is there, I promise.  And sometimes, all someone needs is a smile or an opportunity to talk about it.  Because you see, the hardest part of this is that for everyone else, life goes on.  Life goes on without the worry, without the fear, without the pain.  For us, life goes on, but it will never be the same.  Most people will never understand that and will miss the many opportunities that come our way to make a difference in the lives of another.  My two friends reminded me of that and for that, they will always hold a special place in my heart.

    So, if you have a story, please know, I want to listen.  I will listen with compassion and I will be there if you need me.  Our stories connect us, our struggle bonds us and our pain allows us to be a part of the same journey.  I have a year ahead of me of waiting, worrying, wondering........I hope my new friends will be praying for me too.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Kim