I have been thinking so much about my last two years lately. Well, I actually think about it every day, but due to the fact that August, when this entire journey began, is right around the corner, I have been thinking about it a lot more. You see, in the past two years I have learned so much about myself, about life, about my faith.....and none of this would have happened without Ben. (That's the name of my BENign tumor...I call him Ben!!) So today, I am just going to write about the lessons from the past two years. Not necessarily for you all to read, but for me...to let it all out and maybe, in the process, I will heal a little bit more and maybe help someone else out there as well. So...here it goes!!
1. Life for me will never be the same. I have changed. Some people get this and others do not. This tumor, that still resides in me, is a part of me. It has changed me for the better in many ways. I take more chances. I take more risks. I look at people differently. I am more empathetic. I love harder, I appreciate more, I embrace each day. But, it also has changed me in other less favorable ways. I am less tolerant of complaining, or negative feelings, or senseless arguing.......I tend to get frustrated with people that are letting little things bring them down. I am more blunt, go after what I want more and tell people how I feel more often. This doesn't always go over very well!! I have realized that my life was almost taken from me and I am lucky to be here......I know how I want to live each day and I want to be happy!!!! I want to see the joy in each day. I want to laugh and have fun and just be silly! I don't want drama or stress or worry. So, as much as I have changed for the better, I have also changed for the worse as well. Go figure!!
2. My God is amazing and my God had a plan. In His infinite wisdom, He lead us from NC back to PA with perfect timing. Two weeks later, my tumor was found. At first I thought it was because I was going to die and my family would help Doug raise Zack and Davis. But, God had greater plans for me. He allowed me to be a witness to my students at St. Anne's, to my friends in NC and to my new friends in PA. He allowed my family to right by my side the entire time, especially to help Zack get through this. He used me and my situation to show others how mighty He is. For it says in His word, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
3. God’s plan wasn’t over.
One year and one day after my tumor was found, a grapefruit size lung
tumor was found in my dad. Stage 3A lung
cancer. Surgery was not an option and
his life expectancy was 15 months. Chemo
and radiation took its toll on my dad, but he said he watched my strength and
now it was his turn to be strong. My
dad, my strength, my hero….was getting strength from ME!! When he had to have an MRI, I was able to
explain it to him. When he was getting
radiation, I could tell him all about that too.
Pain?? Take a few percocets dad…they
are great!!! All of those years where my
dad was my strength, it was my turn to be his.
I would have never been able to be as strong for him if it wasn’t for
what I went through. My God prepared me. He was working His plan and it was all
working out. My dad’s tumor shrunk, surgery
was performed and now he is cancer free.
You see, “And we know
that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to
those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
4. I
am a survivor and I am strong. Holy crap am I strong!! I
have always viewed myself as such a weak person, but now I know that I am
stronger than I ever knew. When I read posts in my "Meningioma
Momma's" group, I realize that I am so lucky to be as healthy as I am
now. So many other survivors have not been as lucky as me.....memory
loss, motor skills damage, vision loss.....long term disabling effects.
Some, are even no longer with us. Yes, I have pain every day and
headaches every day and I forget everything.....but that's it! I did
this!! I didn't let this tumor win. I kicked its bootie!!
Why....because Philippians 4:13 tells me that "I can
do all things through him who strengthens me."
As August 2nd approaches, I have
so many emotions. But the one that
stands out the most for me is I AM BLESSED.
This tumor was God’s mercy in disguise.
So much more good has come from this than I could have ever
imagined. Yes, I will never be the same
again, but to me….that is a blessing.
The song below says it best.
Laura
Story
Blessings
Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
My next scan is in December. Until then, I will trust that my God is in control. He has this in His hands and I wouldn't have it any other way!
