October 25th, 2012- Ben Isn't Growing!

     Friday, was a long day.  I have been having a lot of pain in my head, so I scheduled an MRI.  I wasn't supposed to have another one until December, but I  was in pain and I just couldn't wait.  I had been taking Ibuprofen every day and even had to get a new pillow because I couldn't lay on the right side of my head.  All signs were pointing to Ben, (that is what I call my tumor), growing.  You know, most people think that because my tumor was benign that I have no reason to worry.  Well, even though the word cancer was not involved, a Meningioma is a reoccurring tumor.  In fact, most re-growths happen within three years of the first removal.  My tumor was not fully removed so for me, it is not a matter of "if" the tumor will regrow...it is "when" will it regrow.  So every little pain, or sniffle or headache causes me to think that the tumor is growing back.  I also am a member of a group called "Meningioma Mommas" where people who have Meningiomas share their stories and we support each other through our journey.  The majority of those woman have all had reoccurrence and most of them suffer from severe side effects such as loss of motor skills, vision and speech.  As I read most of the stories, I realize how very lucky I am.  That being said, I also realize that this could change at any minute, so I was very prepared to hear that my tumor had started to grow.

     As I was in the MRI waiting room, for over an hour, I had the pleasure of meeting 2 men.  One young man was 20 and was battling Chron's Disease and the other was 56 and battling Pancreatic Cancer.  We filled our anxious hour of waiting by sharing our stories, the moment we found out about our diagnosis and the complications we have had since that day.  We had never met before, but we felt like we had known each other forever.  I realized at that moment, that these two men are the ones that I have the most in common with today.  Sometimes, it is so hard for me to get through a day with my pain and these two men understood that.  We shared a story.  We had something in common.  A struggle, constant worry, fear......all something we knew nothing about a short time ago.  When they told their story, I listened with compassion as they did when I told mine.  No one said, "Well, it was benign so you have nothing to worry about."  No one said, "Your MRI will be fine.  Don't worry."  We all know that there are no guarantees in life and to a fellow sufferer, you do not say such things.  They looked in my eyes and saw the same thing that I saw in theirs.  Pain.  Our lives had been changed.  Maybe we were all dealing with three separate issues, but the struggle bonded us together.  No one understands me better than someone who has been there too.  They were there....in that waiting room with me.......for a reason.  I think I was there for them for a reason too.   We promised to pray for each other as we left, knowing that we would probably never see each other again.

     I got my results that day.  My tumor has not grown and I do not have to go back for another year. (I'll never make it a year!  I worry too much!)  I left the hospital on a high......happy that another surgery is not a part of my present.  I also left wondering about my two new friends.  What were their results?  Did they leave with the same excitement that I did or was their news more terrifying?  I probably will never know.  But I will pray for them daily now, because they are a part of me.  They are the people that I walk by daily that have a story.  The people in the grocery store, the people at the mall....people walking around daily that have all had their lives changed.  I will keep my eyes open to people like my two new friends.  After all, it is in our eyes.  You can see the pain.  All you have to do is look for it.  It is there, I promise.  And sometimes, all someone needs is a smile or an opportunity to talk about it.  Because you see, the hardest part of this is that for everyone else, life goes on.  Life goes on without the worry, without the fear, without the pain.  For us, life goes on, but it will never be the same.  Most people will never understand that and will miss the many opportunities that come our way to make a difference in the lives of another.  My two friends reminded me of that and for that, they will always hold a special place in my heart.

    So, if you have a story, please know, I want to listen.  I will listen with compassion and I will be there if you need me.  Our stories connect us, our struggle bonds us and our pain allows us to be a part of the same journey.  I have a year ahead of me of waiting, worrying, wondering........I hope my new friends will be praying for me too.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Kim

   

It's Been a While.....

          I have been thinking so much about my last two years lately.  Well, I actually think about it every day, but due to the fact that August, when this entire journey began, is right around the corner, I have been thinking about it a lot more.  You see, in the past two years I have learned so much about myself, about life, about my faith.....and none of this would have happened without Ben.  (That's the name of my BENign tumor...I call him Ben!!)  So today, I am just going to write about the lessons from the past two years.  Not necessarily for you all to read, but for me...to let it all out and maybe, in the process, I will heal a little bit more and maybe help someone else out there as well.  So...here it goes!!

1.  Life for me will never be the same.  I have changed.  Some people get this and others do not.  This tumor, that still resides in me, is a part of me.  It has changed me for the better in many ways.  I take more chances. I take more risks.  I look at people differently.  I am more empathetic.  I love harder, I appreciate more, I embrace each day.  But, it also has changed me in other less favorable ways.  I am less tolerant of complaining, or negative feelings, or senseless arguing.......I tend to get frustrated with people that are letting little things bring them down.  I am more blunt, go after what I want more and tell people how I feel more often.  This doesn't always go over very well!!  I have realized that my life was almost taken from me and I am lucky to be here......I know how I want to live each day and I want to be happy!!!!  I want to see the joy in each day.  I want to laugh and have fun and just be silly!  I don't want drama or stress or worry.  So, as much as I have changed for the better, I have also changed for the worse as well.  Go figure!!

2.  My God is amazing and my God had a plan.  In His infinite wisdom, He lead us from NC back to PA with perfect timing.  Two weeks later, my tumor was found.  At first I thought it was because I was going to die and my family would help Doug raise Zack and Davis.  But, God had greater plans for me.  He allowed me to be a witness to my students at St. Anne's, to my friends in NC and to my new friends in PA.  He allowed my family to right by my side the entire time, especially to help Zack get through this.  He used me and my situation to show others how mighty He is.  For it says in His word, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) 

3.  God’s plan wasn’t over.  One year and one day after my tumor was found, a grapefruit size lung tumor was found in my dad.  Stage 3A lung cancer.  Surgery was not an option and his life expectancy was 15 months.  Chemo and radiation took its toll on my dad, but he said he watched my strength and now it was his turn to be strong.  My dad, my strength, my hero….was getting strength from ME!!  When he had to have an MRI, I was able to explain it to him.  When he was getting radiation, I could tell him all about that too.  Pain??  Take a few percocets dad…they are great!!!  All of those years where my dad was my strength, it was my turn to be his.  I would have never been able to be as strong for him if it wasn’t for what I went through.  My God prepared me.  He was working His plan and it was all working out.  My dad’s tumor shrunk, surgery was performed and now he is cancer free.  You see, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

4.  I am a survivor and I am strong.  Holy crap am I strong!!  I have always viewed myself as such a weak person, but now I know that I am stronger than I ever knew.  When I read posts in my "Meningioma Momma's" group, I realize that I am so lucky to be as healthy as I am now.  So many other survivors have not been as lucky as me.....memory loss, motor skills damage, vision loss.....long term disabling effects.  Some, are even no longer with us.  Yes, I have pain every day and headaches every day and I forget everything.....but that's it!  I did this!!  I didn't let this tumor win.  I kicked its bootie!!  Why....because Philippians 4:13 tells me that "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." 

As August 2^nd approaches, I have so many emotions.  But the one that stands out the most for me is I AM BLESSED.  This tumor was God’s mercy in disguise.  So much more good has come from this than I could have ever imagined.  Yes, I will never be the same again, but to me….that is a blessing.  The song below says it best.

Laura Story
Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

My next scan is in December.  Until then, I will trust that my God is in control.  He has this in His hands and I wouldn't have it any other way!