Monday, August 2nd, 2010 started out like any other normal day. I had one focus only that morning and that was my dear friend Ali's wedding which was on Saturday in NC. Doug and I were out shopping for wedding shoes and picking up my bridesmaid dress when we got the call from the eye doctor.He told us that Med Express set up an appointment for me. I tried to cancel, but they said that Med Express told them that if I didn't come in I would end up in the hospital! I have never been to an eye doctor before, but this appointment will remain in my mind forever.
After the doctor examined me, he noticed that my right eye was protruding out quite a bit and that concerned him. He ordered an immediate CT Scan. I passed out. I was in shock. I remembering thinking that this had to be a joke and that Ashton Kutcher was going to walk in at any minute and tell me that I was being Punked!! I remember the look on the doctor's face and most especially on Doug's face. We left to get the scan, but before we did, I had to call my family. I remember sitting outside of the lab and talking to my mom and dad. I was crying so hard. I was telling them the news and all of us were speechless. Everyone was telling me it would be ok and not to worry......but for the first time in my life, I was petrified.
After the scan, we had to go home and wait for the call from the doctor. That call came at 5:00pm. I remember Doug talking to the doctor and I was just screaming to him, "Am I going to die?" When he got off the phone, it was confirmed that I had a tumor behind my right eye and I needed surgery. It was scheduled for Wednesday, August 4th. I had to only wait two days to find out what this was, but those were the longest two days of my life. I remember lying on the bed in complete shock. I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach, I was on valium, yet nothing helped. I looked at my kids and didn't know if I would see them grow up. I thought about the house I was building and didn't know if I was ever going to live in it. I looked at my husband......and I ached inside. Doug and I had conversations in those two days that no couple should ever have to have. We held each other closer, we kissed a little longer and we cried harder than we have ever cried in our lives.
The surgery revealed a benign meningioma. YES...no cancer. But, only 70% of the tumor was removed. I needed 6 weeks of radiation. Cat Scans, MRI, Radiation....words that were not familiar to me became a part of my daily vocabulary. Each day I woke up brought more worry and fear to me. Yes, I was so grateful that this was not a cancerous tumor, but that didn't make the journey any less difficult. I faced daily radiation...every morning at 6:45am, strapped down on a table with a mask on my face. That was the scariest thing ever for someone as claustrophobic as me. Doug was with me, by my side, every day. So, was my Casting Crowns music....I had a CD that I played during treatment.....In Me, Praise You in the Storm, songs that will always have a different meaning to me now. Finally, October 14th was my last treatment. I did it! I made it for 6 weeks. I had one month to wait to see the results.
The results came after an MRI....and the news was not good. The tumor had grown about 3 times its original size. This never happens with Meningiomas, so they were concerned that this was something else. Another surgery, more worry, more fear, more questions, more tears.........I remember thinking that I wasn't strong enough for this and I just couldn't take much more. This surgery was a craniotomy and major brain surgery. They used words like disfiguring and no guarantees. My surgery was scheduled for January 3rd, 2011. I would not find out results though for at least 3-5 days.
The surgery was tough. Not only on me, but on my family as well. I was in ICU for 24 hours and then to a regular room for 3 more days. I was in and out of it, but I knew that the results would be coming soon. I couldn't think about anything else. Every time I opened my eyes, I saw the people that I loved and wanted so bad to be strong for them, but I couldn't. I just wanted to know......my future.....will I have one? Finally the news came after being home from the hospital for 2 days......it was a benign meingioma too! The future was going to be a part of my life. I don't know what I did to deserve that outcome, but I will live each day for the rest of my life being thankful for it.
My journey is not over. They did not get all of the tumor and some still remains in my sinus cavity. We will continue to watch it and get scans for the rest of my life. As of May 20th, it didn't grow at all and my next scan is September 16th. Prayers are welcome!
I relied on many things to get me though this last year:
Doug- you were my rock.....I fell in love with you the day you walked into my classroom with Davis and I love you even more today. I could have never done this without you. I get to have a forever with you and I am so grateful. We fall deeper in love every day and this situation has brought us closer together than ever. You gave me strength. You were my strength. You continue to be my strength. I love you...without fail.
Mom, Dad and Kel- God knew I needed to be near my family so he sent us back to Pittsburgh for this. I can't even begin to thank you for what you did for me and still continue to do. There is nothing I have needed over the past year that you haven't been willing to do. Your support, your love, your help.........thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you all so much.
My Friends and Family- (even my Facebook Family!) Your cards, flowers, posts, calls, texts.......they gave me such strength. I knew that so many people were praying for me. I not only knew it...I felt it. You were the wind beneath my wings! Thank you for standing by me and helping me get through this year. I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.
My God- I struggled with my faith...I yelled, I cried, I doubted and I asked WHY? But in the end, I realized that I will never know that answer. That is why it is called faith. I now have surrendered and I trust. You have held my hand through all of this. You have brought me peace when I prayed, people when I needed them and have allowed so much good to come out of this. I can't imagine going though this situation without my faith. I will spend the rest of my days being a witness to your great love and telling my story because in the end...it never was my story......it was yours. You were telling a story of faith through me. I will continue to tell it, Lord.....I promise.......and I will glorify you in all the days that I have left!
So today, I ask that we all join together and take a moment to love those in your life that you need to love. Hug them, kiss them, appreciate them and take the time to tell them what they mean to you. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so do it today.
Thanks for taking this journey with me. I love you all.
Kim
